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i think i am immature. I think my personal development stopped about 15 years ago. why don't i have my life together. Like, how come my room is always a mess, and my car is just a big garbage can. Why am i scatter- brained? Why do i not feel like an adult? I feel like other people just shake their head and think she needs to get it together. Why do others feel the need to lead me or tell me what to do. Why do i just go along with it?

So i think ny will be good for me in that it's an opportunity to start over. It's an opportunity to make the changes i need to make and have the relationships with other people that i want to have and just work on myself. Hopefully i will become a better person. I feel like i am spinning in a tornado. I dont' know the direction, i don't know where anything is in this tornado and i don't know how to get out of it.

Dang it!

Today a co-worker told me that her 18 year old son said i was cool. For some reason it made me feel really good. It made me feel like, listen, i may be 30 but i am cool! But then again ,what does an 18 year old kid know!

Go Generosity!

A few days ago i realized that when i don't study regularly, i begin to think negative things about the truth. That scares me! So i have got to buckle down with this personal study. Tonight i decided to read this article entitled, 6 Keys to Personal Success. One of the keys was generosity. Which is something i definitely need to work on. Especially when it comes to donations, and being generous with my time and energy. I think most of the time i am just focused on myself and my own feelings. I need to focus on helping others. The bottom line is lour generosity or lack there of, is a reflection of how we feel about jehovah. I have to show jehovah that i appreciate the generosity he has shown towards me..

I think i love you, Andrew Bird!

Last night i went to the Andrew Bird concert. I was kind of dreading it a bit because i had to work the next day and i knew i was going to be out late.But it was totally worth it. He is so talented! He plays the violin, guitar, xylophone, and he whistles. I just loved it when he played the violin. It made me want to pick it up again. Maybe when i move to nyc i can take lessons. Anyway, it was so neat! I just loved his style and his voice but i didn't really like the way he moved. I didn't think about the possibility of him being gay until Debi mentioned it and then i thought maybe he is. I hope not though! Just because, he has to be my future boyfriend! I would definitely see him live again. I bought his cd, which i like, but i wish i would have bought his live album because the cd i have is stripped down a lot. I also think the guy who played guitar was attractive. He just played his music and didn't show a lot of emotion.

You just can't beat live music and i love musicians. I just love them. It's just so sad that i will never end up with one. It was so amazing how andrew bird plays something, records it, plays it back, and then adds another sound. It's like he reworks his songs right on the spot.Who else does that? It was just a great show.

Quit my job. CHECK!

So i finally told my boss that i was leaving and the conversation went surprisingly well, a little too well... maybe my boss is thrilled that i am actually leaving. Who knows! Anyway the plan is to stay at my job until May 28th and then i am free! She told me that she knew a few dentists in nyc and that one was in brooklyn and that she could write a letter of recomendation for me which would be sweet! We'll see if that actually happens. So now i have to update Grace on the plans. She was supposed to send me pictures of the apartment but she hasn't so far. I really want to see what it looks like just so i can have an idea of the size of furniture i will need. I don't want to bug her about it though, maybe she will send it soon.

I like stools

Today i was so bored at work i just decided to get on top of this tall stool that we have and just stand there. It was amazing how much warmer it was that close to the ceiling. I felt like i could just stand there forever. Everytime someone came into the room i just pretended i was reaching for something or arrangeing the boxes up there. Eventually someone said, "What are you doing?" I said," Standing on a stool." Then i decided to get down because i thought what if my boss catches me, i might get in trouble.

I'm in the bathroom!

The other day i was in a bathroom in Subway. It only had one bathroom. So i go in there and decide to not lock the door because i thought there aren't a lot of people in this Subway, everyone saw me go to the bathroom. What are the chances of someone coming in here?! So i do my business and then when i am washing my hands, the door opens and a man stares at me and then i stare back at him. He didn't say anything and neither did I. It was like neither one of us knew what to say and at the same time it wasn't a big deal because i wasn't on the toilet. He was probably thinking Thank GOD!

Communication Breakdown

So last week i was irritated because i just felt like there was a breakdown in communication with a couple of people. I felt like what i was saying wasn't getting across and the two individuals responded in ways that weren't even necessary. For instance, i was talking with someone the other day about how we only stayed in service 2 hours and that next time we need territory. So he says, "My wife had territory." So i say, "Oh, i didn't know that!" So he says,"You should have asked." It made me irritated, because we talked about territory in the car and no one said they had any. It's not my fault she didn't mention that she had territory. Shutup and leave me alone!

So the other person with which i had a communication breakdown drives me insane. I hate when people's personalities aren't for the most part, consistent. I can't stand it when people are mean and then nice, then mean again, then nice. I don't know how to classify you! I am constantly feeling uneasy. With this person though, i think i have just given up. I don't care anymore. She is not my friend and if i never saw her again then, that would be fine with me. I am just sick of her inconsistent personality! I can't take it anymore, i can't take how she treats me! I am sick of the emotional rollercoaster that she is constantly on!

Close that eye of yours!

So today i had this patient whose eyes were closed while i was cleaning his teeth. Well, one was closed and the other one was slightly open. That's just kind of creepy to me. How hard is it to keep both your eyes closed. I couldn't tell if he was actually looking at me or not. It makes me think of that Edgar Allen Poe story, which if i remember correctly, this guy is so terrorized by the eye of this old man that he decides to kill him( it has been a long time since i read that story so that could be totally wrong). Anyway, that one opened-eyed man gave me the creeps!