No meat/ the last time

Well i have almost made it a month without eating meat. This has been pretty easy. The only time it was difficult was when i was with all my relatives( they are all carnivors). I do find that i am hungry a lot of the time. The bad thing about eating healthy is that it takes a lot more food to fill me up.

I have noticed recently that when i say goodbye to someone, or whenever i get in my car and drive somewhere, i automatically think, "Little did they know that was the last time they would see Kia Dukes." I feel like some guy is narrating the final moments of my life on some tv show. I die in some car accident or some serial killer makes me his next victim. I wonder who would play me in the reinactment scene. Whoever she is, i hope she's pretty.

Pee-Wee!

Today at work Kelli and i were talking about the movie Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. There were so many funny parts. The scene when he gets on the bus with Large Marge and it's a dark rainy night, and she starts telling him this scary story and all of a sudden her face turns into some weird claymation face, well that scared me to death as a kid. I like the part in the movie where he is at a drive-in and in the movie he's watching someone says,"Mr. Pee-Wee Herman, calling Mr. Pee-Wee Herman" anyway i thought it was funny. I want to watch it again just to see is it as funny at the age of 30, as it was at the age of , i don't know, 10! Probably not!

As a kid i loved Pee-Wee's Playhouse. He always had the secret word of the day, if someone said it then everyone would scream. There was Cherry, the talking couch, there was a cowboy, i don't remember the character's name but he was played by, Lawrence Fishburne. It was just a good show as a kid. Too bad Pee-Wee got arrested for exposing himself in a porn theater. Shame on you Pee- Wee, shame on you!

Life stinks today!

I am not very fond of life today. I think i am in a funk. I don't really want to talk to anyone. I don't know if i am depressed about Jason or what, but i just wish i could hide from the world today. I am tired. Maybe the weather is to blame for my mood. I am sure this is temporary. Maybe if i could just have a hard-core crying spell i would feel better.

windshield wipers

I hate when it rains but it's one of those rains when it's not raining hard enough to put your wipers on full speed but not so light that you don't have to bother with them at all. I have a hard time finding the right level. I always get irritated because i am constantly going from one level to the next, and never satisfied with the level i am on.

Memorial Service

Wednesday i went to Texas for Jason's memorial service. I was looking forward to seeing a lot of my family that i haven't seen in a while, at the same time i dreaded the whole thing. When i walked in the door of my aunt's house i saw her sitting in the living room, i just hugged her. I just told her it was good to see her. I don't know why i didn't say,"I am sorry about Jason" or something but i guess she knew. John told me that they committed jason which is something they had done before but this time was different because he wasn't better when he left and he didn't stay as long as he usually does. He had only slept one hour in the past three days. John said that's usually the first sign that he was starting that whole manic phase again.



There were a lot of people at the kingdom hall. The friends were so nice. They brought so much food to the house and were willing to do whatever they could to help out. When a tragedy happens it's nice to see how the friends are right there to provide comfort. Everyone was dreading the memorial service. The circuit overseer gave the talk and he did a really good job.



Thursday and Friday the weather was so nice. Saturday the day of the service it was really cold and dreary. It was appropriate for the occasion. I saw quite a few people that i hadn't seen in a really long time. It was nice to catch up with Talia, Erica, Lordan and meet his wife. Justin Hood showed up, that kid is so funny. After the service and the reception we went back to my aunt's house and we had so much fun. When all the family gets together its just loud everyone is talking and laughing, there is always plenty of alcohol and food and there is always a card game going on. For a moment i just looked around and i felt happy to be a part of this family. It's just funny how we all make fun of each other. I wish i was with them now because they bought a bunch of lobsters and shrimp and everyone's having a good time. At the same time i also felt a bit guilty that we were having such a good time.It almost seemed like we weren't mourning properly. I don't know. To sum it all up, Jason was a good person, if you asked him to do something he would do it. He loved Jehovah, he was smart, he loved service, and he will be missed.

A SAD DAY

My cousin committed suicide this morning. It doesn't seem real. My uncle found him. His car was in the garage, the engine was still running, and he was inside. He was bipolar. As a kid he was skinny, nerdy, and he had really bad asthma. He was the youngest in his family, his mom babied him all the time. We would always make fun of each other. I always made fun of his feet because they were so long and flat. I would tell him he could stomp out forest fires with his feet. When my brother and i were younger we spent a lot of time at my aunt and uncle's house in Dallas. I would always be picked on because i was the only girl. I guess it was about five years ago when i found out that he was bipolar.He went to Denver, rented a car and was supposed to meet up with my parents for the district convention that weekend. No one heard from him. He ended up being picked up by the police. My parents found out and went to the station to see him. The police said it would be better if they came the next day becuase he wasn't doing well.They had to restrain him because he was fighting them and yelling. He had no idea what had happened to the car and he had a broken leg. He had tried to kill himself that night, he said he wanted to go to heaven. My aunt never really gave to many details about his condition. When you would ask her how he was doing she would always say, " He's ok."

He was never the same. I would hear about his latest "episode" from other family members. He became this really aggressive person. He was always right. It got to the point where i didn't want to be around him. I talked to him a couple of months ago. He was so happy and appreciative that i called him. He said that the month before he barely left his room. He said he felt like he just rose from the dead. He dreaded the winter because that time of year was always difficult. He was ready to leave his congregation and go to another one. He just seemed really anxious to do something different. I think all of us wondered if he would ever committ suicide. It was always something i thought about and then kind of dismissed. I can't believe he actually did it. I feel guilty for not wanting to be around him and not wanting to talk to him. It's wasn't his fault that he had a mental illness. I think the worst part is that there were things he wanted to do like get married, have a regular job, be independent. All those things were impossible for him. I think he got sick of taking medicines that only worked temporarily.The side affects of his medicines were bad too, i remember his hands would tremble a lot. He had a hard time maintaining friendships because he was so belligerent. His life was just sad. This sounds bad, but in a way i think he is better off. I am glad he doesn't have to suffer anymore.

The Weekend Wrap-up!

So Saturday I met up with some people in Memphis for dinner and then went to see a musical. So earlier in the day i was kind of dreading it because i really wasn't all that in the mood and i didn't want to go by myself. . So i convinced my brother and another friend to go with me. So we go to this restaurant called Bari, which was an italian restaurant. It was small and had a nice atmosphere. So there are about 9 people already there. so i introduce myself and sit down. My brother and his friend sit at another table and i sit with the table of 9. So right away i knew i made a mistake in coming. So there were three girls that were sitting to the left of me, they couldn't have been more than 21 or 22 years old. They were just so ditzy! So the waitress starts taking everyone's drink orders and they order Sex on the Beach, and i just thought, " Who orders that?" It's such a crap drink! So i happened to know the guy that was sitting across from me and i don't like him because he's just kind of a jerk and he thinks he knows everything and if you don't agree with him then you are an idiot. I really didn't care to make conversation with him. The girl to the right of me was such a JERK! So after we had all ordered food, she says to the waitress, "We have to catch a show at 8:00 so if you could put a rush on it that would be nice."Which doesn't sound all that bad, but the way she said it just sounded a bit rude. So the waitress says that would have been nice to know when you first got here. So she orders some potatoes and then asks for ketchup and i looked at my brother and he looked at our other friend and he looked at me and we just felt embarassed. Then when the guy that invited me gets his food he says it smells like puppies and just complains and i was just like who are these people and i so dont want to be here! I wanted to just bail after dinner but i already had a ticket to the show so it would have been rude to just leave. So i stayed for the show which was alright. Not horrible but also not awesome. So at the end of the night i didn't even say goodbye to anyone except the guy that invited me and i got in my car and took off . I hope i never see those people again.

hair

So today i was looking at my hair and i have so many knots! I am afraid i am going to wake up one morning and i will have dredlocks! I can't get rid of these knots because their are too many. All the knots are single strand knots, how does that happen? In New York i hope i can find a salon that can do something cool with my hair. At the moment i am just kind of sick of it. I think i write about it too much. My head hurts.


In other news, it's day 3 without meat. So far so good. It has been easy.I hope after a month i still won't want meat.

It might be a little crude!

So, i ask every patient at work if they are taking any new medications or had any recent surgeries. Usually, if they are taking anything new it's a cholesterol or blood pressure medication or anti-depressent, pretty run of the mill stuff. Well today, this patient mentioned a new drug he was taking, and it was something i wasn't familiar with, so I asked him, "What are you taking it for?" and he says," CONSTIPATION" and for a few seconds, i felt a little awkward.(kia looks out the window and flashes back to her childhood) Whenever i hear the word constipation i automatically think of being 8 yrs. old, in tears, doubled over in pain, unable to do what every normal human being could do! All i wanted to do was TAKE A DUMP! Was that too much to ask? To be normal? To eliminate my body's waste in the proper fashion? I remember having to take this medicine that tasted like grease. It was horrible. ( kia snaps back into reality).So i couldn't laugh at my patient. I knew his pain, his struggle for regular bowel movements. You always hear about cancer, heart disease, but what about the millions of people who can't take a dump! You don't know the secret shame we feel, the isolation, the straining, the disappointment you feel after another unsuccessful trip to the bathroom. When will our voice be heard? ( A single tear rolls down kia's face) Ok, i think i have gone too far with this blog. I am probably going to regret writing this.

DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!

So, i probably should be sleeping right now because for the past few days i have been staying up late, and every morning i think, "I need to get to bed at a decent time!" So what do i do the next night? Go to bed late. A few weeks ago during a shepherding call, one of the brothers told me that," I AM AFRAID OF BEING JUDGED!"(loud echo, audience gasps) He based that on a conversation in which i asked him to please not kill me, because i needed to cancel our previously arranged shepherding call. But i have thought about that for the past couple of weeks and i think it's true. I AM AFRAID OF BEING JUDGED!(audience starts to gasp again,but then just loses interest) I have been trying to figure out what that's all about. I think it's probably a mixture of:

2 cups Upbringing
3 cups Insecurity
1 cup of pure Retardation

Mix ingredients together. Let it bake for 30 years. And you've got your self a piping hot bowl of SOCIAL ANXIETY. DELICIOUS!
no. of servings 1

i have to work this out. (to be continued)

Pilates

Yesterday i went to the pilates class. I enjoyed it although it's a bit hard to watch the instructor and focus on what you are doing at the same time. You have to focus on breathing a lot also . I found myself breathing in when she said to breath out and vice versa. By the end of it i did feel more relaxed and i think it's really good for my back. I just wanted to laugh the whole time.

Music

I don't know if i have mentioned this but at the moment i really like the Reconteurs. I wish i would have gone to their show a couple of months ago. I also really like Kings of Leon for the moment. I also am listening to Elliot Smith. When i listen to his music it's like a mixture of sadness, numbness, rain, Seattle, but at the same time i really enjoy it. I love music, probably more than i should, but it's just an amazing thing. I remember the first time i heard Jeff Buckley, i was just blown away! That was the soundtrack to my London trip with Pats! This might sound crazy, but there are certain songs that i just can't listen to a lot, because i want to hold on to the feeling that i had when i first heard it. I remember where i was when i heard that Kurt Cobain had died. Whenever i think of Weezer, i think of riding in Debi's old BMW with the sunroof open looking up at the stars. I remember being at Wal-Mart and discussing the meaning of "Fake Plastic Trees" with Debi. I will be a Radiohead fan forever. That Radiohead show was just so unbelievable! I can associate so many good times that i've had with a certain song or band. I have a soundtrack to my life.

bored, bored, bored!

I hate being at work when i don't have to see patients. I just hate doing busywork. I don't do well when i have time on my hands with nothing in particular to actually do, i will waste every second. This afternoon i think i am going to join debi and do a pilates class. I wish i could take a regular pilates class, i need to strenghthen this core of mine! I have got to pay off my credit card STAT! I hate debt.It shouldn't take that long, i just have to buckle down and put every extra dime i have on my credit card. I decided not to go to california for a wedding because i need to take care of my credit card. I wouldn't consider myself particularly good at anything but i am good with my finances. I am pretty responsible when it comes to that area of my life. So i guess i am proud of myself in that way and i am good at saving money. It's nice that the sun is shining today.

Goals

Since i met my goal of running for 2 miles, it's time to set a new goal. So the new goal is to be a vegetarian for a month. Debi came up with this one and the previous one, actually( why am i always so accepting of these challenges?) I think the first 2 days will be easy but after that it might get a little harder. I am totally commited, so no matter how hard it gets i am sticking to it! I think these challenges are good because when you reach the goal, you just feel so great about yourself! Next goal - Get a personality!

What are you talking about?

Yesterday, I was talking to one of the girls up front about how i wanted to take some time off but i wasn't sure if the boss was going to let me. So the front desk girl says, "Well, you know their is only one person around here who can come and go as they please and you know who that is?" So i go,"MmmmHmmm!" I had no idea who she was talking about. So then she kept going on about this "mystery person" while i am trying to figure out who she's talking about. I can't ask her who she's talking about because then i will look like an idiot. So i just keep nodding, and throwing in a couple of meaningless phrases.Totally oblivious as to who we were talking about.

Barack Obama, what are you doing?

Last night i dreamed that i was at Barack Obama's house. I was just laid out on the sofa watching television. His youngest daughter was there along with her grandmother. I looked out the window and i could see the ocean, there was a glass wall that separated the house and the ocean. So Barack comes in the house and i try to hide from him. Then he goes outside with his daughter. The yard is filled with leaves and he starts looking for something on the ground. So i say what are you doing Barack? He says i am going to build a snow globe and i am going to put some pearl shavings in it. Why pearl shavings? I have no idea! That was my dream, it didn't really make any sense but whatever. I just wish i could have kissed him or something, after all, he is a good-looking guy!