Life stinks today!

I am not very fond of life today. I think i am in a funk. I don't really want to talk to anyone. I don't know if i am depressed about Jason or what, but i just wish i could hide from the world today. I am tired. Maybe the weather is to blame for my mood. I am sure this is temporary. Maybe if i could just have a hard-core crying spell i would feel better.

windshield wipers

I hate when it rains but it's one of those rains when it's not raining hard enough to put your wipers on full speed but not so light that you don't have to bother with them at all. I have a hard time finding the right level. I always get irritated because i am constantly going from one level to the next, and never satisfied with the level i am on.

Memorial Service

Wednesday i went to Texas for Jason's memorial service. I was looking forward to seeing a lot of my family that i haven't seen in a while, at the same time i dreaded the whole thing. When i walked in the door of my aunt's house i saw her sitting in the living room, i just hugged her. I just told her it was good to see her. I don't know why i didn't say,"I am sorry about Jason" or something but i guess she knew. John told me that they committed jason which is something they had done before but this time was different because he wasn't better when he left and he didn't stay as long as he usually does. He had only slept one hour in the past three days. John said that's usually the first sign that he was starting that whole manic phase again.



There were a lot of people at the kingdom hall. The friends were so nice. They brought so much food to the house and were willing to do whatever they could to help out. When a tragedy happens it's nice to see how the friends are right there to provide comfort. Everyone was dreading the memorial service. The circuit overseer gave the talk and he did a really good job.



Thursday and Friday the weather was so nice. Saturday the day of the service it was really cold and dreary. It was appropriate for the occasion. I saw quite a few people that i hadn't seen in a really long time. It was nice to catch up with Talia, Erica, Lordan and meet his wife. Justin Hood showed up, that kid is so funny. After the service and the reception we went back to my aunt's house and we had so much fun. When all the family gets together its just loud everyone is talking and laughing, there is always plenty of alcohol and food and there is always a card game going on. For a moment i just looked around and i felt happy to be a part of this family. It's just funny how we all make fun of each other. I wish i was with them now because they bought a bunch of lobsters and shrimp and everyone's having a good time. At the same time i also felt a bit guilty that we were having such a good time.It almost seemed like we weren't mourning properly. I don't know. To sum it all up, Jason was a good person, if you asked him to do something he would do it. He loved Jehovah, he was smart, he loved service, and he will be missed.

A SAD DAY

My cousin committed suicide this morning. It doesn't seem real. My uncle found him. His car was in the garage, the engine was still running, and he was inside. He was bipolar. As a kid he was skinny, nerdy, and he had really bad asthma. He was the youngest in his family, his mom babied him all the time. We would always make fun of each other. I always made fun of his feet because they were so long and flat. I would tell him he could stomp out forest fires with his feet. When my brother and i were younger we spent a lot of time at my aunt and uncle's house in Dallas. I would always be picked on because i was the only girl. I guess it was about five years ago when i found out that he was bipolar.He went to Denver, rented a car and was supposed to meet up with my parents for the district convention that weekend. No one heard from him. He ended up being picked up by the police. My parents found out and went to the station to see him. The police said it would be better if they came the next day becuase he wasn't doing well.They had to restrain him because he was fighting them and yelling. He had no idea what had happened to the car and he had a broken leg. He had tried to kill himself that night, he said he wanted to go to heaven. My aunt never really gave to many details about his condition. When you would ask her how he was doing she would always say, " He's ok."

He was never the same. I would hear about his latest "episode" from other family members. He became this really aggressive person. He was always right. It got to the point where i didn't want to be around him. I talked to him a couple of months ago. He was so happy and appreciative that i called him. He said that the month before he barely left his room. He said he felt like he just rose from the dead. He dreaded the winter because that time of year was always difficult. He was ready to leave his congregation and go to another one. He just seemed really anxious to do something different. I think all of us wondered if he would ever committ suicide. It was always something i thought about and then kind of dismissed. I can't believe he actually did it. I feel guilty for not wanting to be around him and not wanting to talk to him. It's wasn't his fault that he had a mental illness. I think the worst part is that there were things he wanted to do like get married, have a regular job, be independent. All those things were impossible for him. I think he got sick of taking medicines that only worked temporarily.The side affects of his medicines were bad too, i remember his hands would tremble a lot. He had a hard time maintaining friendships because he was so belligerent. His life was just sad. This sounds bad, but in a way i think he is better off. I am glad he doesn't have to suffer anymore.

The Weekend Wrap-up!

So Saturday I met up with some people in Memphis for dinner and then went to see a musical. So earlier in the day i was kind of dreading it because i really wasn't all that in the mood and i didn't want to go by myself. . So i convinced my brother and another friend to go with me. So we go to this restaurant called Bari, which was an italian restaurant. It was small and had a nice atmosphere. So there are about 9 people already there. so i introduce myself and sit down. My brother and his friend sit at another table and i sit with the table of 9. So right away i knew i made a mistake in coming. So there were three girls that were sitting to the left of me, they couldn't have been more than 21 or 22 years old. They were just so ditzy! So the waitress starts taking everyone's drink orders and they order Sex on the Beach, and i just thought, " Who orders that?" It's such a crap drink! So i happened to know the guy that was sitting across from me and i don't like him because he's just kind of a jerk and he thinks he knows everything and if you don't agree with him then you are an idiot. I really didn't care to make conversation with him. The girl to the right of me was such a JERK! So after we had all ordered food, she says to the waitress, "We have to catch a show at 8:00 so if you could put a rush on it that would be nice."Which doesn't sound all that bad, but the way she said it just sounded a bit rude. So the waitress says that would have been nice to know when you first got here. So she orders some potatoes and then asks for ketchup and i looked at my brother and he looked at our other friend and he looked at me and we just felt embarassed. Then when the guy that invited me gets his food he says it smells like puppies and just complains and i was just like who are these people and i so dont want to be here! I wanted to just bail after dinner but i already had a ticket to the show so it would have been rude to just leave. So i stayed for the show which was alright. Not horrible but also not awesome. So at the end of the night i didn't even say goodbye to anyone except the guy that invited me and i got in my car and took off . I hope i never see those people again.

hair

So today i was looking at my hair and i have so many knots! I am afraid i am going to wake up one morning and i will have dredlocks! I can't get rid of these knots because their are too many. All the knots are single strand knots, how does that happen? In New York i hope i can find a salon that can do something cool with my hair. At the moment i am just kind of sick of it. I think i write about it too much. My head hurts.


In other news, it's day 3 without meat. So far so good. It has been easy.I hope after a month i still won't want meat.

It might be a little crude!

So, i ask every patient at work if they are taking any new medications or had any recent surgeries. Usually, if they are taking anything new it's a cholesterol or blood pressure medication or anti-depressent, pretty run of the mill stuff. Well today, this patient mentioned a new drug he was taking, and it was something i wasn't familiar with, so I asked him, "What are you taking it for?" and he says," CONSTIPATION" and for a few seconds, i felt a little awkward.(kia looks out the window and flashes back to her childhood) Whenever i hear the word constipation i automatically think of being 8 yrs. old, in tears, doubled over in pain, unable to do what every normal human being could do! All i wanted to do was TAKE A DUMP! Was that too much to ask? To be normal? To eliminate my body's waste in the proper fashion? I remember having to take this medicine that tasted like grease. It was horrible. ( kia snaps back into reality).So i couldn't laugh at my patient. I knew his pain, his struggle for regular bowel movements. You always hear about cancer, heart disease, but what about the millions of people who can't take a dump! You don't know the secret shame we feel, the isolation, the straining, the disappointment you feel after another unsuccessful trip to the bathroom. When will our voice be heard? ( A single tear rolls down kia's face) Ok, i think i have gone too far with this blog. I am probably going to regret writing this.